Being a Nanny

I walk into the house where I work in Bordeaux France and while I'm taking my coat and boots off I hear little people coming down the stairs... Adeline says "Is it Carissa?!" Viviane seeing me says "It is Carissa!!" You'd almost think it was a surprise or a new thing but nope I've been coming over for almost a year now :) I love it! Granted Adeline isn't always thrilled to see me :) but most days she is, a lot of days even Mathieu gets excited when I come in! And at the end of the night when I'm getting my things back on to leave Adeline always says "Where are you going Carissa?" Me- "to my apartment", then she says "why?", haha so I tell her one thing or another I have to do that evening and that I'd like to sleep in my own bed but that I'll be back in the morning :) She seems satisfied with that... Tonight when I was leaving, Mathieu kept waving bye to me, it was the cutest thing! But I had to fight back tears... As I've had to do multiple times recently, because I knew it was one of the few times I would get to see him do that again... I only have 2 weeks left with them, so each hug I get, each game we play, each picture I take, it's almost the last...

I've often been asked, what's the hardest thing about being a nanny? I refer to the changing of stinky diapers, dealing with difficult parents or relatives, discipline issues etc. But when it comes down to it, I know what, for me, is really the hardest part about being a nanny... The leaving. At one point or another your job is over...
This time feels even more difficult, I wasn't able to pinpoint why that is exactly until recently, and I think it's because when I leave, I'm getting on a plane to move to a different continent than these kids. My first nanny job, in Vietnam, the whole family flew back to the States at the same time as me, and then they were in the States for the rest of the year so I had time to adjust my thinking to leaving them, I had chances to see them. My other nanny jobs were in Nashville and I could hop in my car and drive to see those boys... But this time it's different. I can't slowly separate myself, can't drive over and hug them when I miss them too much... I just have to leave. I cried a lot when my other nanny jobs ended, I just get so attached to the kids I care for, a year is a long time. And this time I'm even having dreams about the day I have to leave, the first dream I just kinda waved and said bye as I was walking off, the second dream I just stood there hugging them and crying. In reality I know I have to actually get on the plane, I know I'll hug them, I'm pretty sure I'll be crying. The part I don't understand how to work out is the leaving.

I love being a nanny, I love being their nanny. I loved watching them grow, when we got here they were 4, 2, and 3 months, when I leave they'll be 5, 3, and 15 months. They've gotten taller, faster, smarter, somehow even cuter and funnier!!

I'm excited about going home, being with my family, all together!! For Christmas. Holding my Nephews again. I'm excited about the new things God has planned for me to do. I'm so thankful for this past year and joyful about this next one! I know I am beyond blessed. Plus I'm leaving knowing that 1.It's time - God is calling me to the next thing and He knows better than I do and 2.These kids are loved and cherished beyond words by their parents, and their being taught all about Jesus!! I'm so excited for who they are and who they'll be!

But yes leaving is breaking my heart. I'm going to miss the family that I've become a part of. I'm going to miss the church and my friends. I'm going to miss the challenges that have scared me and stretched me.

Most of all I'm going to sorely miss three small people that have made a huge impact on my life.

~With all my Heart~
<3,Rissa

~Amazing Life/Love/Grace~

Once upon a time two people fell in love, they had four children, their youngest - a boy, grew up and moved to Nashville... Somewhere else two other people fell in love, had two children, their youngest - a girl, grew up and moved to Nashville. There this boy and girl met and fell in love...and now - 30 years and 6 children later - my parents are still married and our family is crazy yes but a precious gift from the Lord no doubt! :)

I'm the age my parents were when they got married, so I imagine that then they couldn't quite imagine being where they are now. How can I possibly picture what my life will be like thirty years from now?? I'm sure I don't have a clue :) I bet my parents would say it's been a long hard road that they've traveled, but that God is good, even if/when our circumstances aren't. I am so blessed that God saw fit to place me right in the middle of this story, this family. Not many people get to experience all the different sibling relationships = having an older brother(s) & sister, & younger brother & sister, I think that's so cool! My siblings are my best friends, and since my little brother turned 20 today (Happy Birthday Tyler!!!) that makes us all in our twenties at the same time!! My 2 oldest siblings are married, each with a son so they can relate on that, and the rest of us are kind of in similar places in our lives, with school or figuring out the best decisions for our future (relationships, careers, traveling, etc). We're as different as 6 people can be, personalities, lifestyles, you name it.
The Mechanic, the Nurse, the Marine, the Nanny, the Photographer, and the (future)Cop!
The Rebel, the Patient one, the Brave one, the Traveler, the Meek one, and the Tough one.
The Comedian, the Missionary, the Giver, the Singer, the Compassionate one, and the Courageous one.
God's grace, goodness, and protection are written all over our lives. The fact that we're all still alive and well, the fact that we all love each other, and communicate - even when oceans separate us - it's just God's beautiful love shining down, blessing us with things we don't deserve.
We have our differences, our fights, our struggles, like every family. Sometimes things get messed up, sometimes people put up walls and relationships grow weak, it has all threatened to break, at times it's been broken... But God is putting the puzzle pieces where they need to go, and I'll keep praying, watching, and trusting.

Lord, thank You SO much for the family you put me in! And thank You for giving us four new members in the past 3 years! :D

~With all my Heart~
<3,Rissa

~Thanksgiving~

Nancy Leigh DeMoss wrote: "A grateful man or woman will be a breath of fresh air in a world contaminated by bitterness and discontentment. And the person whose gratitude is a by product of a response to the redeeming grace of God will showcase the heart of the gospel in a way that is winsome and compelling."

~Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.{1 Thessalonians 5:18}
~I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth. {Psalm 34:1}
~Now when Daniel learned that the decree had been published, he went home to his upstairs room where the windows opened toward Jerusalem. Three times a day he got down on his knees and prayed, giving thanks to his God, just as he had done before.{Daniel 6:10}
~Giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. {Ephesians 5:20}
~Oh give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; for His steadfast love endures forever! {Psalm 118:29}

I am thankful to God for:
*A Mom & a Dad who love me. *Three brothers and a brother-in-law (Ryan, Kyle, Tyler, & Jason). *Two sisters and a sister-in-law (Meridith, Rachel, & Crystal). *Great friends (won't name all of you but you know who you are and I hope you know how much I treasure our friendship!). *Two adorable Nephews (Caelum & Nathaniel)(and my niece(s) and nephew(s) in Heaven). *My Granny, Grandpa, Grandma, (and Grandpa in Heaven). *Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins. *Being Home-schooled. *Precious Church families in Tennessee, Vietnam, and France. *The Way, The Truth, & The Life. *Women's Bible study groups in Tennessee, Vietnam, and France. *Clothes to wear. *Good food to eat. *Clean water to drink. *Hot water every day for a shower. *Coffee. *A bed to sleep on (with pillows & blankets). *A home that shelters me from the weather, and heat for the cold days. *The nine children (that I've had the honor of being their nanny) that will always live in my heart, whom I care(d) for and love as if they were my own. *Everyone that has served or is serving in the military, and those that gave their life for freedom. *Pastors and missionaries and their families that have surrendered their lives to ministry and the spreading of the Gospel. *Doctors & nurses. *The opportunities I've had to travel to different parts of the world. *The year I lived in Vietnam. *The orphans who taught me how to be truly thankful and to smile through suffering. *Music, *My Guitar (that my Church family gave me). *Singing. *The ability to read & write. *Technology that allows me to communicate to people around the world. *Airplanes *The strength to walk & run. *Being able to see & hear. *Animals (especially my puppy Carly!). *Chocolate. *Love, hugs, & kisses. *Holding hands. *Good books. *The Holy Bible. *Prayer. *The sun, moon, rain. *A year lived in France. *Flowers & trees. *Memories. *Holidays. *Health. *Lazy Saturdays. *Freedom to Worship. *A God who loves me, saved me, and wants a personal relationship with me. *Jesus who died on the Cross for me, my sins, so that I could live with Him for eternity! *Heaven. *23 years of life on this earth. *Singleness. *Trials. *Beautiful Sunsets. *The beach. *Walks in the woods. *Movie nights & popcorn. *Fun, excitement, & adventures. *Tears. *Christmas trees, music, lights, sounds, smells, & presents! *Babies. *Dr. Pepper. *Hats. *Fellowship. *Road trips. *Adoption. *Pictures *Candles.

~Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above and comes down from the Father of lights! (James 1:17)

I could keep going and going! God is SO good! But it is time for bed here in France :) thankfully haha. And thankfully (Lord willing) I get to wake up early in the morning to the sound of three beautiful, wonderful, amazing, super fun & silly kids that I have the complete joy and honor of caring for these days!! Bonne nuit mes amis and Happy Thanksgiving!

Love & Joy in Christ,
<3,Rissa

{Facing Fears}

I realized recently that when I wrote about my trip home this summer I didn't even tell about one of the biggest things... The thing I was most nervous about and that God so faithfully took care of! I remember writing before I went home that I needed lots of prayer, and courage because it would be my first experience flying alone. From the day I bought my plane tickets I was super nervous, I kept hoping that God would send someone to go on the trip with me haha so I just wouldn't have to worry about facing all the details by myself. I can't explain exactly why it scared me so much, I mean come on I'm 23 years old and have lived on my own for years, what's the big deal? Yeah I tried telling myself that, and all kinds of other things :) but when it came to it I was still scared :) Being in the airplane doesn't make me that nervous, it's mainly just the confusion/busyness of the airports, the time crunch in-between flights, finding where you need to go and what you're supposed to do, I don't know, it's just intimidating. Plus it's tiring when you're flying internationally, it takes so long to get where you want to be. Plus while in random airports I didn't have a cell phone if I had a quick question, and doing it all alone meant I was responsible for everything, my bags, my paperwork, etc. etc. And I knew that on the way there, and on the way back I would end up in at least 2 airports that'd I'd never been in. (and me and flying don't have great history with each other)* But God knew/knows all this, and He's awesome, and so very kind! I prayed lots and knew lots of people that were praying for me and so on the day the adventure started (really early in the morning!) I felt as ready as I'd ever be. God really calmed my heart and gave me a clear mind. I was nervous but I knew He was taking care of me. Everything went so smoothly! I flew from Bordeaux to Amsterdam, didn't have much time to get to my gate once we landed there (a little later than scheduled) so I walked quickly, found my gate (arrived just in time to board) and settled in for the longer flight. My seat that they chose for me was slightly comical, I ended up between Mr. "loud snoring, constantly sleeping or drinking a beer, while taking up my arm rest man" (on my left) and Mr. "cute guy who would rather watch movies than talk to me and took up my other arm rest" (on my right) haha :) not exactly how I had imagined that situation... I was in the middle of the middle and every time I thought about getting up they were both asleep so I sat in one very small spot for 8 hours. C'est pas grave. We made it safe and sound to Atlanta with plenty of time for me to find my next gate so I was super thankful! The first thing I did on arriving in the United States was go to the counter and say in English - may I please have a large Dr. Pepper? I think I smiled really big when they handed it to me! (you can rarely find dr. pepper in France). On the last flight (Atlanta to Nashville) I was so excited I could hardly stand it, that 30 or 40 minute flight felt longer than the 8 hour one! When I arrived, most of my family was waiting for me, along with my brand new nephew! Very special moment :D My luggage also made it and I was just overjoyed at how well the trip had gone, it felt like a great accomplishment, though I knew it was only God's grace & protection!
The flights back were about the same, I had to go through the Philadelphia airport which I had been in once before and knew I wasn't so fond of it, it's huge and laid out really confusingly, so I got pretty turned around in there but still made it to my gate in time. Then I got to go through the Paris airport which I had never been in so that was exciting, it's a nice place and didn't seem so complicated. And lastly I made it safely back to Bordeaux with no problems, I was/am SO thankful, God knew I was nervous, but He knew I needed to overcome the fear of flying alone, and He gave me great experiences. And though I'd prefer to fly with friends or family, knowing I can do it by myself is comforting and at times very helpful, it's also kind of exciting/more adventuress :) Growing up there were so many little tiny things I was too scared to do alone, my family can testify, it was at times ridiculous, but that's just the way I was (and sometimes still am), but the fact that God has brought me so far and gives me the courage to face whatever He asks of me, it just shows how big His grace is! I still get nervous about doing things alone, I imagine I'll get nervous when I fly home again next month, but what now overrides that is the knowing (and trusting) that no matter what happens, I'm in His hands, there's really no reason to fear.

A couple other "funny" flying stories :) The first time I ever stepped into an airplane was when I was 19 years old, I was with my Dad and had just said bye to the rest of my family, my friends, everything that I'd ever known as safe and familiar and I was moving to Vietnam. So needless to say I wasn't feeling so great, I was pretty wrecked emotionally, and was as excited & nervous as can be, add all this to the fact that I very easily get car sick and apparently air sick too..... Did I forget to mention that this little plane we were on didn't have "barf-bags"? It wasn't really funny at the time, not at all actually. But we laugh about it now :D My Dad realized I was gonna...lose my breakfast...and looked around for something to..assist, and the only thing available was his little tiny cup of sprite... So he chugged it and gave me the cup haha! My Dad is a kind/patient guy! That was only the short flight of that trip... We had at least 24 hours of travel left... I learned that Dramamine is my friend lol.

Another time when I was flying with my sister in the States we got on a plane and she made the comment "last time I was on a plane - I jumped out." haha I laughed pretty hard and dared her to say that to someone 'cause I imagine it would confuse them just a little. But it was true, a couple months prior me and 4 of my 5 siblings had gone skydiving together!! Which was SO scary but SO cool!

Ever since going to Vietnam I've been finding, or have been handed, more ways to face my fears. And I always end up finding that life is way more exciting when you take the challenge! Not that I'm saying everyone should go skydiving (though it is awesome!) but I'm saying that sometimes God calls us to do things that we fear, that look too big, and if it was just up to us it would be too big, and even in the middle of it, it might still look too big! But when I look back at things God has done in my life it's obvious - it's all worth it, and nothing is too big for Him to work through, and use me in... But it's like when I was standing in that little tiny "skydiving-plane" and the door opened in front of me and I looked down in sheer terror...the person I was strapped to commanded me to put my foot out the door onto the little platform, I couldn't see how that was a good idea but I did it, I trusted that he knew what he was doing and that he would pull the parachute when it was the right time, so I obeyed. I need to trust & obey God also, he's not going to push me, I have to stick my foot out, make that move... If I ask God to use me, He will, and even if He guides me to things that scare me, I need to remember "Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen." (Eph. 3:20-21)

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do." ~Eleanor Roosevelt

Fear:
False
Evidence
Appearing
Real

Psalm 34:4 I sought the Lord, and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears.

Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

<3,Rissa

~Seasons & Shock~

Before I was 19 years old I had very rarely, if ever, heard the term "Culture-Shock". But around my 19th birthday, when I felt the Lord pointing me in the direction of overseas mission-nanny work, I was encouraged to do some research about culture-shock. I kind of figured well it's when you are in another culture and the things you see are...shocking! But there's a little more to it, a lot more actually. Here are a few paragraphs I've found that seem to hit the nail on the head:

~Culture shock is the holistic reaction to displacement from one’s familiar environment. Suddenly, you find yourself unable to understand, communicate, and function effectively.

~Although culture shock is a complex phenomenon, experts agree that the basic cause of culture shock is the “abrupt loss of the familiar, which in turn causes a sense of isolation and diminished self-importance."

~Often when a person takes up residence in a foreign country there’s a period of excitement and exhilaration when everything seems new and challenging and fascinating… It is not until this honeymoon period ends that the newcomer begins to realize that there are endless subtle differences that leave him facing a host of perplexing problems.

~Some common symptoms of culture-shock are: Loss of sense of humor. Over sensitivity and overreaction to minor difficulties. Feelings of frustration, loneliness, confusion, melancholy, irritability, insecurity, & helplessness. Unstable temperament. Criticism of local people, culture, & customs.

Most people agree that there are 4 main phases of culture-shock. After living for a year in one country, and another year in a different country, I definitely agree and have recognized these for myself. 1.The Honeymoon(wonder/excitement). 2.Withdrawal(frustration/crisis). 3.Adjustment(depression/recovery). 4.Acceptance(enthusiasm). I imagine the length of time it takes to move through each phase is different for everyone, and of course the way you react etc. it all plays out differently. A lot might also depend on the culture you left, and the one you're entering. ALSO, the amount of time you will be living in that culture, because going into it knowing whether "this is temporary" or "this is my new life..." greatly impacts your way of thinking/coping with things. And then... if that's not enough :) you have "phase 5" which is Reentry/Reverse culture-shock (if you move back to your home country).
In Vietnam I felt like the phases were more mixed together, I went back and forth between them, and it was my first trip, first time living so far away, first everything really, so I often didn't recognize culture shock or the phase I was in etc. Looking back I definitely see it all more clearly.
Living in France this year I knew (a little more) of what to expect with culture-shock, and it has looked more like the typical phases/order. For the most part I would estimate that each phase lasted around 3 months... The honeymoon phase is basically that, I mean when I first arrived I definitely was feeling a bit sad from leaving my family and friends, nervous about all that awaited me, and sad about all that I would miss while being away, but for the most part I was really excited! Starting a new life, seeing a new place, meeting new people, tasting news foods, oh the wonder of it all! Everything is fast paced and busy, you kinda feel like a tourist 'cause everything is something to talk about! Even as you settle in everything still has that "new car smell" to it :) And then it hits you - what have I done? Where am I? What do I do? I can't speak! Crisis mode, everything starts feeling really frustrating, you can't do anything for yourself, you can't communicate with people so you feel you're not getting to know them etc. Everything in you screams withdrawal. A good answer for every problem is, I'll hide, I'll keep to myself, I'll watch movies and listen to music to make the world go away. Events and invitations - you either ignore them or if you go you're forcing yourself to be there, forcing yourself to smile and try to interact. On to phase 3 where you begin adjusting to things, sometimes you adjust in a healthy way, other times you cope but feel pretty depressed about it. You're recovering from your season of withdrawal and frustration, and learning to adjust, it definitely takes time. You have to adjust not only your way of living but also your mindset. The last phase is pretty awesome, you realize that a lot of things you've accepted, you feel a little more like yourself, you feel enthusiastic about life in this foreign land. I think I entered this phase when I returned to France from my vacation in the States. Some things of course are still a struggle but I feel more like myself I guess, I'm more at ease even in the awkward situations that come up etc. I'm noticing now though that I'm entering my own unique phase of "limbo", where I'm enjoying being here in France, learning new words and customs etc. so I'm sad about leaving... While at the same time getting excited about returning to my home country, while at the same time trying to arm myself for the battle of reverse culture-shock that I know I'll face when I get there... c'est compliqué. I don't know what going through culture-shock would be like without the Lord, because for me, my faith, my Jesus, has played the biggest role. I've still gone through the struggles but He's been my strength and comfort and without Him I would have stayed in the withdrawal phase. And when it comes to accepting something like a big move, living away from family etc. I'll accept it IF I know it's His will, and I can be assured that no matter where I live or what I go through He's walking right there with me and His love remains.

It feels so crazy that it's already November! In a lot of ways it seems like yesterday that I was just arriving here. But some days it feels like I've lived here for a long long time. Fall in France is quite beautiful. And very rainy. I don't mind the rain, as long as I have an umbrella it's fine with me :) and it makes the sun seem all the more special when we get to see it! :) I've now officially been here through the 4 seasons, it was winter when we arrived and I walked through many very cold days, even saw some snow! Then spring where everything started blooming and the air smelled fresh and new. Summer came and went quite quickly and I wasn't really here for the hottest part. And now Autumn. Through all these seasons of the year, through all these phases of culture-shock, through all the future holds; saying goodbye, again, to people I truly cherish, packing up and starting over, returning home... Mon Dieu est si bon.

In His Hands,
<3,Rissa

~Selfish Gain~

So... people won't fulfill you, they can't. They might even try but it's not possible. You might even think they can, or that you can fulfill them... not gonna happen.

I've been meaning for a while now to write about when I went home this summer... that was almost 3 months ago and it's taken me this long to think through everything.

It was a GREAT trip! I am beyond thankful that it happened, it was a gift from God that everything came together the way it did! I wouldn't trade it for anything. (Pictures on Facebook!) I would say the highlight was definitely meeting my 4 week old nephew Nathaniel and the time I got to spend with him! It was so precious. He's a miracle baby that I had prayed for for a long time and still do. I treasure the time I spent with each of my siblings, my other nephew Caelum, my parents, friends, church family, Grandparents, it was wonderful. I took a road trip with my best friend Jenny's family to Illinois to see her graduate from Navy bootcamp, that was SO great! (Other than the food poisoning at the end of the trip). Another weekend I took a road trip to Indiana with my Dad, we stopped at my Grandpa's grave and talked about him some. Then we visited my Grandma - living breathing miracle! She's back in her own home, mainly taking care of herself after having major health problems and spending time in a nursing home. At one point I thought I wouldn't get the opportunity to see her again and there I was sitting talking to her, it felt crazy and beautiful. SO thankful. And the time I spent with my Dad on the trip there and back was definitely priceless. I got to do lots of other fun things while being home for 4 weeks - horseback riding, saw a movie, ate at several of my favorite restaurants, took some kids from church to an aquatic center with my sis, visited 3 of the little boys I use to Nanny for, spent a day at the zoo, dance parties with my nephew :) Relaxed afternoons at my Grandparents (and hugging on my puppy Carly!). Sang at Church with Rachel, attended the Bible study I started that is going strong with it's new leaders, time with my church family. Talks with my sister, getting to see her as a new mom. Outings with my friends and their kids. Time with my brothers! So many blessings.

But most of the time something was a little off. I was a little off. And since I've been back in France I've realized why. As much as I tried to fight it for a time, I went home looking/hoping to be filled up by my family and friends. I'd been away from them, from the USA for 7 months. I had experienced a lot of stuff, I had changed some, I had struggled a lot... So I wanted to go home and everyone and everything be the same, I wanted everyone to pause and let their lives revolve around me. I wanted them to make me FEEL better. About myself, my struggles, my life. I wanted them to ask all the right questions, do all the right things. And I wanted them to understand. Their all amazing, they gave me time, and so much love. But they couldn't fulfill me, they weren't going to be able to make me happy if I wasn't already. And it was wrong of me to expect those things from them. I was hurting myself and others by being so completely self-centered. I went home with selfish gain in my mind. I have pride in my heart. I have me me me in my head. And I regret it. Did I mention the other awesome thing about my family and friends?! They are so forgiving. They didn't know all this stuff, they weren't too sure what was up with me, but they didn't judge.
I got up in front of my church to talk to them about France and instead I cried, and felt embarrassed. Because my pride had been hurt, the fact that I was struggling so much and at times not going to the Lord with it all, I didn't want people to see that ugly side. But all I got back from them were hugs and prayers. I shouldn't be afraid to let them see the real me, that's what I want to see in them. I shouldn't be too proud to say hey I struggle, I sin, I'm not always faithful to my Jesus. Maybe I came to France with the thought in my head "I lived in Vietnam for a year, I'm ready for this. How hard can it be?" But with that pride I also came with a prayer, Lord humble me, change me, teach me more about myself, teach me more about YOU. And the reality is - it's painful. To see yourself for who you really are. And the reality is - it's beautiful. To see God, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, for who He really is.

Two months from now I'll be leaving France, with a one way ticket, home again.
I love France; I love the family I'm working with; I grow more and more attached to these 3 kids every single day; I'm slowly slowly slowly learning to be a part of the church; At a snail's pace I get to learn new French words. My biggest prayer right now is Lord let me finish well, let me put the past aside and give it my all. Help me not focus on my regrets etc. Open my eyes to Your goodness, Your faithfulness. The way You can fulfill me.
I pray that I will love these children, these people without selfish gain in my heart. And I pray that when I step on that plane in 2 months that I will remember only Jesus can fulfill me. I pray I will love my family and friends and look to them with love and compassion and not with selfish gain in mind. And that when I step off the plane on the other side, that I will remember, only Jesus will fulfill me.

In His Hands,
<3, Rissa {I hold fast to Your statutes, O Lord; do not let me be put to shame. Direct me in the path of Your commands, for there I find delight. Turn my heart toward Your statutes and not toward selfish gain.~Psalm 119:31,35-36}

September 11th

I was 12 years old. Tuesday morning September 11th 2001. I remember my mom coming into my room, waking me up saying - somethings happened. I had NO idea what I would see when I went downstairs, and when I saw the huge clouds of black smoke coming out of the World Trade Center towers on the news I still had NO idea what was happening. Mom was on the phone with Dad, they were saying America had been attacked, but I still thought or wanted to think it had been an accident. I think 2 of my siblings were at work and the other 3 were at home sitting in front of the TV with me. I was in my pj's, still half asleep, feeling so confused. I felt frustrated that I didn't understand. I felt scared, that maybe we'd be attacked also. Every time I heard an airplane I froze. As a 12 year old who knew nothing about the world, about politics, about terrorism, the World Trade Center, or the Pentagon, etc. all I could see was that everyone was sad, many angry, people were dying... As the day went on everything continued to get worse.. a plane hit the Pentagon, a plane went down in a field in Pennsylvania. All the planes in the US were grounded, no one knew if something else was going to happen... I don't remember seeing the Twin Towers fall. My mom took my siblings and I and we all went to a friend's house. Their Dad sat down with us and I think tried to explain some of what was happening. He prayed with us. When I got home I remember one of my friend's calling saying she was at school when it happened, we tried to make sense of what everyone was saying. The next night at church we all sat around praying, for the victims and their families, for the firefighters & police officers, for President Bush & other leaders, for all the survivors, those still missing.

I'm pretty sure that it was because of the events that day, and the war that followed, that my older brother decided to join the US military. When I was 16 he went off to Marine bootcamp. For 6 long years he served our country, he fought for our freedoms. He sacrificed, and so did our family. He lived in Iraq and Afghanistan for months at a time. Every day he was gone we prayed for him, and begged the Lord to bring him home safely. Sometimes it'd be from watching the news, or just a word someone said and I'd break down crying, terrified I'd never see him again. God held us through all of that. He held Kyle. For a specific reason He saved his life, He brought him home, to us. Not a day goes by that I'm not thankful for this. My heart is broken for the families who never got to see their loved one again. I'm forever grateful for our military-"all gave some, some gave all." It's only been 1 year since Kyle came home, I still pray for him, once a Marine always a Marine. I'm proud of him. He took action when he could have done nothing.

So every year on this day I'm reminded of 2001 and the years that have followed. I've taken to watching a documentary every year, or reading someones story, because as painful as it is to remember, to relive it, I feel it's only right. I can't become numb to people's pain, I can't forget. In the past 11 years I've grown up a little, I understand a little more about what happened, I've seen and been apart of the affects on our nation. I've traveled many times and any time you fly it's another reminder. Walking through airports and going through security after security point... Being in a plane in the air, I often have to pray for the Lord to remind me He's in control, sometimes I picture what people must have gone through and I'm tempted to live in fear. We should remind ourselves of the horrific tragedies of this life, we should remind each other that life is short, we don't know when it's over for us, or someone we love. We need to cherish our loved ones, the people around us, and make the most of each day. Yes sin came into the world and evil is present, but God is still God, He is still on His throne, and because of sin, He sent, He gave, His only Son... For us, that we might live, now and eternally.

It's strange to think that often the children I care for were not even alive then. To them it's just a part of history, or something they'll read about in years to come. Many events I've read of in my history books, but this, this is a part of my history...

To all the victims, to all the heroes; I remember 9/11.

<3, Rissa